/checks pulse/
Gyahrgh. Yep, still alive.
Okay, so I haven't felt up to the challenge of consciousness for the past four days. All four wisdom teeth are gone, big holes in the back of my jaws, and stitches that have decided to self-dissolve at a most inopportune time. Is inopportune even a word? ... eh, it is now. Couldn't focus enough on Tuesday after the surgery to spit let alone blog, and for some reason I woke up for three days in a row thinking it was Wednesday. You think I'd get the hint that it wasn't Wednesday anymore, but no - no, I didn't. Found out a bit too late that I may have been allergic to my pain meds, but I don't care. They worked. So what if I wanted to scratch my arms and legs out of existence? My teeth didn't hurt a bit! XD
Whenever I get better, the first things I'll eat are many salads, tacos, and raw carrots. XO I miss my fruits and veggies. Will update the blog soon as I am leaving for college on the 28 August and poor Fuuma will be packed for a bit. Sad, sad Fuuma. I've been reading so much puppyfic lately that when watching music videos a few days ago I had a very, very bad thought. Jennifer Lopez's new video was on and the lyrics were something like "feeling the power of you inside of me." ... *snerg* Too lazy to archive. Poor you.
Monday 4 August 2003
Listening to: Don't Stay, Linkin Park
We all love Meteora the new Linkin Park CD and Darkest Days of Stabbing Westward makings. Yes, yes we do. We love it even more when Sam Goody doesn't freaking rip us off and has Invader Zim stickers with the Doom Song on it. Today was all around a good day. However, a bit of a damper is the idea that tomorrow I have my wisdom teeth pulled. Bit of a happy point, Leslie sent me a BnU update. Long, long ago when I was a more avid e-mailer than I am today my cousin and I had this thing called the Bishounen no Uchi (BnU) where we slapped together a RPG based on bishounen living in a house and crazy circumstances. It was fun. Then it died. Three or four times by recollection. Now it lives again. This should be fun.
As for the following, I wrote it in half an hour and the quality tells it. Blame the Meteora LP and the song "Desperate Now" by Stabbing Westward for it.
For Tea and Toast It's the strangest sensation - dying, I mean. The queerness of the event is only maginified when it's you who is dying and it's you who is watching. When you're all alone and feeling those last breaths heave out of your chest, you can't help thinking that it shouldn't be happening just yet. There's still that bit of strength left in your limbs, you can feel it there even if you can't use it. The warmth from your last meal is still sitting in your belly, telling you that tomorrow you should be sitting at the breakfast nook and having tea and toast with your morning paper rather than where you are now.
Where are you now anyway? Above you is the wide expanse of a moonless night, robbed of its stars because the city is too close for the celestial fairies' comfort. The grass is wet beneath you and you're not sure if it's blood or just plain water. Ten feet away from you is your car and the door is open, beckoning you to come in and come home. The headlights are conspicuously dark and you can't remember how you ended up lying on your back in the middle of a field so far from the cozy breakfast nook. So far from the comfortable scents of earl grey tea and strawberry jam on crisp toast, the daily papers crinkling softly as you read about this and that; so far that you choke on it.
How was it that you came to be here anyway? Weren't you just at the table this morning reading about how it was going to rain on Tuesday? The thought crossed your mind then that you would have to cancel your afternoon jog around the park that day and damn it all if that wasn't a bit of a downer. You remember folding the paper across your knee and sipping your tea, musing at the sparrows flitting about in the garden. It always did amaze you that such tiny birds could be so active, hopping from one grass clump to the next. The earthy birds were always looking for a bit of something to eat, a bit of something to do - it was all quite satisfying to watch at the very least. Mindless contentment usurped your worries about next Tuesday and you just watched as your winged companions went about their business. Their simple-minded oblivion bleeding over to your consciousness and for a moment, a rare and beautiful moment, you became something more than yourself.
But that was in the morning and it is dark now. All your reminiscences didn't answer the question of how you came about the discomforting situation of dying in the middle of a field. You know you didn't crash because there is no glass littering the ground beside you. You didn't kill yourself because you were supposed to go watch a softball game with your friend tomorrow. You weren't killed because you don't hear the sound of retreating footfalls or another car getting ready to leave. You're alone, perfectly alone.
And that's when it hits you.
You're alone.
You've always been alone.
Maybe that's what has stricken you - the realization that all your life you have always been alone. It is then that you think you would scoff if you weren't dying. How silly it sounds, to die from being alone. No one in the history of the world has ever died in the middle of a field from the realization that one has been alone their whole life. Still it seems the only logical conclusion. Or rather, the only un-logical one since dying of loneliness is not a very logical nor a very valid affliction from which to perish. It just seems so absurd, so stupid, and so true.
This morning between the tea and the sparrows there were tears falling onto the daily papers, rolling off your cheeks and spilling from your eyes unbidden. Nearly forty-five years of loneliness has finally caught up with you and in that brilliant sunlight room with the fantastic garden you weeped for a life never lived and a love never found. Perhaps that is why you are here in the field where you used to come on Tuesday nights to watch the stars. Silly of you, now that you think of it, the field was always too close to the city for the city lights not to interfere. Silly, stupid you.
It is Tuesday and it rained as the papers said it would. Still you couldn't stop yourself from coming out here and now you remember. Now you remember how you walked out into the tall slick grasses of the open field. Now you remember how you slipped and dashed your head on a rock. Now you remember how you felt no pain as you rolled onto your back, blood and rain water mingling as it soaked into your clothes.
You close your eyes and as you drift away you realize that it will be days before people notice that you haven't come out of the house. Weeks will pass before they begin to search outside the city and possibly months before they find you out here. In that time you will decompose in the midday sun, your insides becoming your outsides as you fill the bellies of the worms.
And slowly, very slowly you think of the sparrows who will chase those worms across the ground hoping for a cozy meal - made of worm flesh and you and the tea and toast you had for breakfast. You think about how those earthy birds, the ones you loved so dearly, would owe their lives to you in some small way and even as you disappear you smile. There is comfort in the thought that at least someone needed you before you died.
by MurasakiKaze "Kaze"
Unbeta-ed and un-edited. Oh yeah, took another quiz for Getbackers. I'm still Fuyuki Shido.
Sunday 3 August 2003
Listening to: Kokorobosoi na, Urusei Yatsura
Yes, I have been absent for a very long time. Reason 1! The family and I were in Lake Tahoe enjoying the thunderstorm weather for the past week. It was fun and I ended up doing nothing at all because am still not 21 and legally able to gamble. Gave Kaasama a quarter for the heck of it and ended up getting $10 back. It was a happy day for me. Spent most of the week writing data for a story I've been cooking up. Once I finish all the data I'll begin drawing it. It might just make an appearance in Whispered Nothings if I ever get it done. Coming back from Tahoe we traveled through the town of Jackson and found an "Indian" (Native American) casino called the Jackson Rancheria Hotel Casino and Conference Center. I actually got kicked out of the arcade because I wasn't a minor and anyone over 18 had to be in the casino. Reason? Because it was legal for us to gamble there. Yay! Borrowed a $20 from Kaasama and won $45 so I gave her back her $20 and kept the other bit. Highlight of the Tahoe experience: I discovered the Parapara machines and was happy. Didn't play them as I was far too skittish about playing skills games in public, but had one hell of a time watching other people do it and put my uncoordinated self to shame.
Will discuss more in time, but we just came back from a burn run up to Lake Don Pedro that started yesterday because Tousama wanted to repair some things up on the boat. So we came home in time to pack up and leave again. x_X I'm somewhat tired and in terrible want for a bath. XO
Just a Little Ecchi has been updated. ^_^ I love you, Ko. You never cease to bring me happy days. I will need happy days very soon because on Tuesday I get all four of my blasted wisdom teeth pulled. If my pain meds don't work I'll shoot myself.
Wednesday 23 July 2003
Listening to: Endless Sorrow, Ayumi Hamasaki
Went to see Pirates again with Jenell and Katie, so of course I enjoyed it. I think I'll try to do a VSD for that movie because it's screaming for one to be done. No one's done it yet. Thus the movie is disheartened. Katie reminded us that we have to stay all the way to the end of the credits and we did - evil monkey. I can't wait for the sequel to come out. That and I realized that cookies are the key to world peace. Jenell pointed out that Oreos are best for that. You just can't be unhappy or killing someone while eating an Oreo cookie. Takes a bit of concentration to eat those things, you know.
Must use "ya savvy" more often.
Tuesday 22 July 2003
Listening to: Kagayaki, Megami Kohousei
Eh, I'm sure I misspelled the name of MK. Oh well. Had a TB test shot today. Reminder to self: I hate needles. Leaving on Saturday for Tahoe. Trying to get my first CG picture done before Saturday so I don't forget what I was doing. The picture was drawn in a record half-hour. The actual CG work will take five years. So it will suck and I will post it here (and on Whispered Nothings) so that good CG artists can look at it and laugh at my ass. I really don't know what I'm doing. /sigh/
Monday 21 July 2003
Listening to: Fragile Dreams, Anathema
You all love my mad disappearing skillz. I hate replacing 's' with 'z'...forgive my transgression. Here is a little breakdown of what my past week has been like.
+ Wednesday: Practically nothing. Went to the mall (*shudders slightly*) to pick up a birthday present for a good friend of mine at Hot Topic. Decided that anyone who thinks they're too cool to shop with their parents are just whining little dolts because shopping with Kaasama rocks hard. She bought me pants at Hot Topic and it made me happy. But the store people left the theft-ink tag on and I had to take it back later to have it removed.
+ Thursday: JENELL'S PARTY. My happiness skyrocketed this day. Jenell rocks hard. She's a great friend. Saw Katie. She rocks hard too. Stew...just didn't show and I will proceed to mock her about semi-trucks and getting lost whenever I see her again.
+ Friday: ...I don't remember this day at all. Nothing must have happened.
+ Saturday: Went to the Rodeo with Tara, yet another friend. It was fun. I laughed hard at the people trying to win over the animals as the animals kicked their butts. And watched one cowboy take a rather nasty dive into a metal barred fence. Ouch. Don't laugh at me. I may be slightly country, but I'm damn proud of it.
+ Sunday: Went to San Jose to help Kaasama clean out the last of Grandma and Grandpa's house. Was momentarily depressed as I usually get whenever I have to see things end as they are ending...but was also infinitely hot because I wore all black and it was an 80 degree plus day. Sometimes, I'm just not smart, but it helped pull my mind away from what was going on. Went to visit Grandpa's grave and I'm getting very pissed at the people who are LATE with getting his headstone put up. If they don't get it up soon, I'll be kicking major ass.
+ Monday: Was supposed to go see Pirates and gay!Jack Sparrow again today, but the outing has been postponed. Slept in until 3PM today...woke up going "HOLY F*CK WHAT TIME IS IT?!" ... oops.
It has been a movie week. Saw: Corky Romano, Eddie Izzard "Dress to Kill," The Ring, and Hoshi no Koe: Voices of a Distant Star. It's been a good time all around. Wasn't too scared by the Ring (waiting to see "Ringu") because someone had already told me about it, but by the end I starting freaking out as Samara came out of the TV. Hoshi no Koe... the guy who made it owns parts of my soul - he did it by himself. On his Mac. /worship/ Also received my AP testing scores - I actually passed the Calculus exam with a 3 and the English Lit/Comp with a 5. So now I feel accomplished despite my absolute lethargy today.
Aniue comes home on August 2. I go to Lake Tahoe this Friday. Good days abound. Tree Spirit. I'm going to run out of pieces of my soul to sell to people. This was a very long entry.
Tuesday 15 July 2003
Listening to: Love Flies, L'Arc
Today is supremely remarkable for the fact that jack squat happened. Nothing. All day. My layouts are done. I finished house work. I wasn't even going to /start/ on the Abyss. NOTHING HAPPENED. And when nothing happens, it becomes a bit of a problem for me. Thus my brain dreamed the following up. I warn you ahead of time: if you don't want to know about my personal weirdness, don't read on. Just skip it and live happy with your life untainted with my strange ramblings. <weirdness>
I have this website where I tell people about my day, my thoughts, my inner rants. I also read sites like mine but much more popular and with better layouts. Here's the thought: when people read lines of dialogue, don't they hear the character's voice? Don't they give the character a certain style of talking or accent or something to that effect? They dream up the lives and movements, habits and little quirks the character must have to make them the character they see in their mind. As blog-readers, do we do the same? When you're reading this, do you sit there and read this and make up a voice for me? Do I have little quirks that you see in your mind or am I merely a slab of code that serves as amusement for a public I will never see or meet? Prior to this entry, was I ever more than a quiz-addicted person to the public - or have I now morphed into someone who overanalyzes the simplest of situations?
Each blog gives its creator a voice, perhaps it is not their own and perhaps it is quite similar. This blog...what does my voice sound like to you? Or do you even think about it? Are the voices the blogs radiate just unconscious understandings in the public mind? Or do I even have a voice? Maybe all I am online is a slab of code, a source of bland amusement for people who don't even think about this site when they're not online. This raises the question of how forgettable I am. Everyone hopes to make a memorable impression, but how do we ever know if we did just that? Perhaps, we only believe we have and people are just too polite to let us think otherwise.
</weirdness> Okay, so that's what went through my head today. That and watching bits of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy which has turned out to be rather amusing. I like Jai. He bounces. Finished the pilot screenplays for a possible comic called The 23rd that I might actually do. Keyword: might. Whether or not I have the drive to complete something on the scale that I have imagined is an entirely different manner. However, my cousin (who I believe is just bloody brillant) has agreed to beta it for me. Perhaps I will rewrite it to be a novel/fanfic series. Eh. I want pretty pictures.
Monday 14 July 2003
Listening to: Headstrong, Trapt
Revamped my cat's weblog - look at that. Huh. We Are the Cats will be updated whenever I have the time (i.e. probably every day until the end of summer), but will most likely slow down when I leave for college. After all, I won't see them that often then. But for now, We Are the Cats is up and running.
Spent most of the day helping Tousama out. Heh, we spent most of the day searching for this thing called Slump Brick in a grey color so he could finish a house project he's doing. Slump brick was used a lot in the 70s and has since gone out of style - so we can't find it anywhere. Want to know the real pisser? He only needs one brick. Alseides Frodo came home from the shop today, but will be going back to have his warning buzzer fixed yet again on Wednesday. *sniffle* I've been missing my car, but he's apparently pissed at me because every time I touch him I get a nasty static shock. Evil!
XD Salad for dinner! Am far too happy. That and I think I'm turning Canadian/English/some sort of imitation of the accents in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie... I can't help it, but I've been talking funny lately. Huh. If I remember tomorrow, I have a philosophical type thing I'd like to write here - but not right now. I'm giddy with the concept of having shrimp and chicken salad for dinner; I love my mother's food ideas. Oishii!
A drive-by afterthought archiving occurred. Did you see it?
I just had the weirdest dream about running a race that didn't really matter at all. If you finished the race at all then you got money. Funny thing was I was racing against James, Lily, Sirius, Lupin and my friend Megan. James et al really didn't care about the race, Megan and I were just amused to be watching them walk in front of us and just before the finish line they started arguing over something and stopped walking. So we stopped and watched and while James and Lily argued with Peter, who just seemed to Apparate out of nowhere, Lupin dragged Sirius off to a side tent. Unseen shagging ensued. I think everyone just wandered off the course after that and no one won any money. Afterwards I ended up singing "Oh the Places You Will Go" by Dr. Seuss to some little kid after playing a mean trick on Sirius that I felt decidedly bad about. Lupin sniped at me for it.
Earlier I had the artist's worst nightmare - my entire drawing binder got soaked in cooking grease and every drawing was ruined. I screamed and woke up so suddenly that I almost pitched forward out of bed. Never done that before. Got so scared that it might have been true that I had to check my binder to see if it was intact.
Realistic dreams freak me out.