Chapter 7 :: I Give My Deepest Regrets

Only friends.  I stop at the end of the hallway and lean against the blank 
wall.  I told him we were only friends.  Duo, you're an idiot.  You had the 
chance and you miffed it.  You completely blew it!  You could have had 
him.  You could have been together.  You could have been his lover...your 
dream wouldn't have been so empty after all.

This is how it is supposed to be though.  He needs a chance to get past 
what was bothering him and me complicating his life wouldn't do that.  I 
had to tell him what I did...  I...I did the right thing...

Yes, I did.  In all truths, we never moved past the being friends stage.  I 
wanted it to be more, but I never knew...

Duo, you just screwed yourself.  His eyes told you what he wanted, why 
did you deny him?  His eyes were so haunted still.  This new opportunity 
for him to grow up has left him bewildered.  Perhaps this is as much of a 
harmful deed as a good one.  He has a chance though, that's all that 
matters.

His name slips out before I can catch it and I slide down the wall.  It 
would have been so easy.  It should have been easy.  I've only wanted to 
tell him for the past nine years.  Why is it that now, after all this time, it's 
become so hard?

It could have shattered him...that's why.  What would have happened if he 
regained his memory and realized that he had never really loved me at 
all?  I don't want to be the one to put him back on those goddamned pills. 
 He hates them...even now I know he hates them.  ...What would happen 
if he ended up hating me?

I...I'd keep living.  It wouldn't crush me.  At least, I don't think it would.  I 
mean, my charms have gained me more than a few female admirers - all 
of which have no idea that I'm gay.  Heero doesn't even know.  It's better 
that way.  If I ever needed to...No.  That sounds pathetic.  I'd just be using 
them anyway.  How wrong would that be?  ...Very.  It'd be very, very 
wrong.

"Ma'am--I mean, Sir?  Are you all right, sir?"

I glance up, blinking back sleep mixed with tears.  "Uh, yeah...just tired is 
all..."

I pull myself to my feet and feel strong hands on my arms.  "Sir...would 
you like a room here for the night?  We have one open."

Shaking my head I pull away.  I couldn't stand to be in the same place as 
him.  Knowing that he's there, so close and so far away.  Knowing that he 
doesn't remember me...knowing that I could have had him but missed my 
chance.

"I-I'll be fine.  Call a cab for me though, would you?"

"All right."  The hospital attendant guides me to a chair and sits me down 
before taking off in that busy manner that most hospital attendants have.  
Must go with the job.  

My head rolls to one side and I close my eyes.  It'll take at least a month 
for him to heal...what should I do until then?  I really don't know.  I could 
bring him photos and things that might jog his memory, but I don't know if 
I actually want that to happen.  He's free...held back, but free at the same 
time.  He doesn't have to worry about all the killing we've done, all the 
hatred he built up for himself, all the training the Doctors put him through. 
 He's been given his second chance and like hell if I'm going to take it 
away from him.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll buy him a new apartment.  It'll be much 
better than the cramped place he had before in that abandoned area of 
town.  I'll clean up his new apartment and buy him new furniture...I'll do 
everything to give him the life we - he never had.  I'll make him happy.  
Yeah...I'll do that...

My eyelids feel very heavy...I should sleep.  It's nearly six in the morning 
now.  I have to get up in two hours to come back...maybe I should take 
up that offer of a free bed.  If I'm asleep I won't know that he's there just 
outside my reach.  If I'm asleep I can forget what I told him.

::"He meant that we're close friends...that's all, Heero.  Just...just 
f-friends.."::

::"Oh..."::

Was there a pained look in his eyes?  I can't remember... I wish I could.

"Ready to go?"  Groggily I nod my head and lean against the woman as 
we walk to the lobby.  

I need to vent.  This lady will never see me again...I can tell her.   
Besides, I'm tired and my mind needs some peace.

"I told him we were just friends..." I mumble.

The woman tenses and keeps walking.  "Oh?"

"Yeah...I'm such a baka for doing that... He'll never know now..." I stumble 
slightly and she catches me.  

"He'll never know what?" Her voice is soothing - sorta melodic with a lilting 
quality.

"He'll never know now..." I repeat as we reach the elevators.  She helps 
me into them and as we ride down, I have to break the silence again.  
"He'll never know I loved him..."

I can sense the woman as she looks at me.  "Oh...did he pass away?"

I laugh softly and shake my head.  "You could call it that...he's lost his 
memory..."

I yawn and she shifts under my weight.  "I'm sorry.  That can be a very 
traumatic experience."

Damn straight it can be.  I just nod and lean against her again.  I need 
sleep...I need peace... Heero, you're quite the lucky one aren't you.  You 
get the peace the rest of us will never have.

"Um..."

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you just tell him now?"

"Him?  Oh...you mean Heero.  No...can't do that...It'd.." I yawn again, 
resting my head on her shoulder.   "It'd hurt him..."

"It never hurts to know that someone loves you."

"It would in this case..." The doors open and she half-drags me into the 
lobby.  "I couldn't tell him...he shouldn't know."

The woman hesitantly asks me why and I reply with a shrug.  Settling me 
in a chair, she kneels down before me and I grab her hand gently.  "You 
have someone you love?"

She nods.  "I have a very loving husband."

I smile faintly and hear a car, my taxi, drive up.  "Don't forget to tell him 
you love him...Chances are fleeting things..."

"Hai."

She stands up and helps me to the cab.  As she straightens up after 
buckling me in, I realize she's not part of the hospital staff.  Instead she's 
wearing a Chinese outfit.  I glance up and notice that I'm not in a cab, but 
rather a private vehicle.  My sleep-weary eyes turn to the front of the car 
and I see a familiar face looking back at me.

"Wufei...I forgot you were coming..."

"The attendant upstairs told me you were waiting for a cab so I 
volunteered to take you home."

"Oh..."

The passenger side door opens and a woman slides in next to Wufei.  I 
glance over at her and my heart freezes.

Shit.

It's the same lady who brought me downstairs.  I knew I should have 
known her - she's Wufei's new wife.

I suppose I shouldn't have vented...