Chapter 5 :: Is The Truth What You Want? I stare ahead at the boy in front of me in shock. I had once known this face line for line, contour for contour. Now it seems as foreign to me as any asteriod in the sky. He...doesn't remember me? Strong arms pull me back from the bed and set me down in a chair in the hallway. The doctor is kneeling down in front of me, waving his hand before my face. I ignore him. Heero doesn't remember me? What else doesn't he remember? What about the war? Does he remember that he was a pilot? Would he even tell me now that we're strangers? . . .And I did all that to him - I ran up, bawling my heart out, I even *hugged* him - just to find out he has no friggin' clue who I am? What kind of hellish answered prayer is this? You enjoy screwing me, don't you, God. Yeah, well laugh it up. Sooner or later, Shinigami will get his payback. In my bitterness I almost miss Quatre calling to me. The doctor left quite awhile ago, tending to the 'patient.' My Heero could get up and walk out of that room, set his broken bones, brush off the dried blood, and go back to work. My Heero would tell them to leave him alone and glare at them. But that person in the bed isn't my Heero. He's just Heero. I don't know whether to count this as a blessing or a curse. He'll be more open now, but he'll have to relearn everything he's forgotten. Maybe he doesn't remember the war and he'll be able to live a happy life. Then again...that happy life might not include me. . . .That's right. . .he's forgotten about our friendship. All that hard work I put into making friends with him is gone. This person won't tell me to shut up or call me a baka. For all I know he's completely changed. Maybe he'll go for Relena now. . . . He's not haunted anymore at least. That's what the doctors just told me. They say he can't remember much of anything except for bits and pieces of his life. If we push him in the right direction, he might remember though. He might go back to being the old Heero Yui. I don't know if I want that. Even if I can't be with him, if he's happy...if he's free from the demons that haunted him...maybe it's for the best. "Duo?" I glance up at my Arabian friend and give him a tired smile. "How are you doing?" "As well as to be expected, I suppose." I pause, watching the worry sink into his aquamarine eyes. Quatre always was the gentlest of us all, even if he does have that hidden ruthless edge. "I'll be fine though, Quatre. Don't you worry about me." "They say it might be only temporary. Get him back in his usual surroundings and he might remember everything." Quatre sits down next to me and tries to look into my eyes. "They'll release him as soon as his injuries heal." "Yeah...I don't know if I want him to remember though. Wouldn't he be happier without having to deal with those anti-depressants and the memories of the war and everything? I know I would..." Turning to look at the boy beside me, I let a bit of the pain of having to watch him seep into my voice. "Those pills kill him, Quatre. They stifle him like nothing I've ever seen. They keep him happy for a few hours, but if he doesn't take one right after it wears off he gets hit by reality and it's too much for him to bear. I've seen it when he hits that low stage. . . .I wouldn't want him to go through that again." ::I'm a dead man walking...:: I shudder involuntarily and close my eyes, resting my forehead on my clasped hands. "He doesn't remember me..." "It hurts, doesn't it." It's more of a statement than a question. I don't nod, but I don't shake my head either so he continues. "When Trowa lost his memories it was the same way with me. It hurts knowing that the person you...care...about doesn't remember you or what you had. Duo, I'm sure Heero will remember at least that part." A soft snort escapes me and I open my eyes. "We never had anything, Quatre." "But I thought that you two--" I interject quickly and shake my head. "I hung around him a lot and talked to him, but it wasn't anything different from our friendship in the war. No matter how hard I tried to imagine it, we never had a thing." Quatre holds his breath for a moment and I glance over at him. He knows something he's not telling me. I hate it when people do that. I try to extract the information from him, but Trowa intervenes saying that it's time for them to go. It couldn't be that late already, could it? I glance at the clock: 4:30 AM. Maybe that's why I feel so beat up inside and out...yeah, that has to be it. It's late and I'm tired...that's all. "Duo? Duo, did you hear me?" I turn and find Quatre once more in my sights. "I said we'll be back here tomorrow, is that all right?" "Of course, why wouldn't it be? I'll see you tomorrow then!" The fake cheerfulness in my voice is grating even to my ears. Why is that so many habits die so hard? Quatre hands me another concerned look, then follows after Trowa down the hallway. As soon as they're gone, I stand and move to the slightly ajar door, peering in. Heero is lying on the bed, staring through the window as a doctor asks him questions. They won't be done for quite a bit so I wander down to the vending machines. I need something in my system, sugar, salt, something. The coins slip into the slot and I snatch up the candy bar, enjoying the temporary distraction. If I concentrate everything on this bar of chocolate, maybe I can forget what's going on. Maybe I can pretend that he's not lying in that bed with no idea who I am. Maybe I can pretend that this is all a bad dream...and maybe not. I've suddenly lost my appetite. "Mr. Maxwell?" I glance over my shoulder and find the doctor behind me. "Mr. Yui, asked if he could see you..." Is this what it feels like to have your heart skip a beat? My head swims and I nod, moving past the taller doctor. Heero is sitting up in bed when I enter, his breathing labored. He glances up and watches me cautiously, almost as if I am a beast ready to spring on him. Under different circumstances I might have been, but not now. His eyes motion toward a chair positioned next to him and I obey, sinking into the stiff-backed seat. What is he going to say to me? Maybe he'll ask me my name and who I am, how I know him...what type of relationship we had. What should I say if I ask him that? This is my chance...my chance at having him. My chance at being with him...but at what expense? I can't lie to him...I just can't... He looks me over for a moment, then speaks deliberatelly, choosing his words like one chooses a wine. "You're name is Duo, right? Duo Maxwell?" I nod, realizing we've switched roles - now I'm the silent one. "Quatre was telling me about you...and about me. He...told me about the war, too..." The sorrow in his voice burns my flesh. Quatre...you *told* him. I can't believe you'd tell him all that. "I...I asked him to." I suppose Heero notices the shock on my face and he looks at me silently, his blue eyes regarding me softly. "Heero...why? All those memories...they had to be painful for you..." "Painful?" Confusion is evident in his eyes and I blink. "He told me I helped win a war, though there were many casualities, in the end the world has moved towards peace. Is there something I don't know?" God, he sounds like a child. A child just waking up and learning about the world. His eyes have lost that cold, hard edge, discarding it for a safer, more naive color. I shake my head. I can't help it...I'm sorry... I have to lie. "No, there's nothing else..." He nods slightly, wincing at the pain. "Quatre...told me something else..." What else could the blonde have said to him? There isn't anything else that I know of that Heero should have known. I lean forward and look at him, noting how his bandaged eye only intensifies the other's gaze. He turns to me and leans over, reaching up. . . . He's touching me...he's touching my cheek and his eyes look so sad. My hand moves up and rests against his despite my mind screaming at it not to. Before I can ask him what Quatre said, he speaks. "Is it true?" Speak damn you! "Is...what true?" "Did you..." A shaky breath. "Did you...love me?" Quatre...how could you...