Chapter 4 :: Forgive and Forget It hurts to move. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to think. That guy lied; the rain doesn't take your pain away. I wince and try to sit up only to find myself restrained heavily by casts and bandages. What happened to me? I glance around and find myself surrounded by too sterile sheets, blank cream colored walls, and sickly green looking curtains. I'm in a hospital. What *did* happen to me? I turn my head to the side and pain rips through my body. I look up at the clock resting on the wall and find that nearly twelve hours have passed since...whatever happened occured. My body is weak and I know that there are stitches in every place available. I groan and sit up, feeling the pull of several IV lines and sensory wires at my skin. It hurts everywhere...I should be dead if it hurts this much. Glancing over to my right I see a doctor's clipboard and pick it up. I read it over and let it fall from my hands to the floor, flopping back against the bed. I don't want to have to deal with what's going on right now. Especially since I don't know what that is. Memories float through my mind and leave like pieces of paper blown out an open window. I'm able to catch a glimpse of a fragment of a word on each page, but it doesn't add up to much. Screeching tires. Abrupt, but dulled pain. Someone screaming. An ambulance roaring up. Someone holding me. "Please...don't die..." Darkness. That's all I remember. I try to search further back to see what led up to those events, but it's like walking into a department store after a Labor Day Sale. I reach for a glass of water and grasp it in aching fingers. The steady beeping of the heart monitor is the only sound in the room as I sip the water delicately. Nn...everything hurts so much... A bottle of pills are next to me and I pick them up. A note filters through the air and lights on my chest. "Take one every six hours once you awaken." Although I don't recognize the dark blue container, they must be mine. Why else would they be sitting next to my bed? I pop off the top and let a pill slide down my throat, swallowing hard. The water helps soothe the burning left behind and I replace the glass silently. Once more the only thing heard is the beeping of the monitor. It has this slow, melodic beat about it that seems very lulling. At least I know I'm alive. Whatever landed me in this hospital must have been nasty. By the looks of things I collided into something or something collided into me. Truth be told, the latter seems more feasible. "You can't go in there, the patient is resting!" "I have to see him! You don't understand!!" The frantic voice draws my attention to the closed door. Sounds of a struggle ensue and I sit wondering what is going on. A loud thud resounds against the wall and immediately my instincts kick in. Danger! Flashes of battles play through my mind as I try to figure out just what to do. "Christ! I told you not to go in--" The door flies open and a chestnut haired boy runs in. His wide violet eyes are panicked as they finally rest on me. Shock and relief are battling it out on his face and he runs to my side. Soon after two doctors enter, a man and a woman, both dressed in labcoats and suits. The boy next to me leans over and grabs my face in his hands, eyes meeting mine and roaming over my features. "Heero! Heero, are you all right?! They said something was wrong with you! But thank God you're not dead! Shit, you scared me so bad!" He says this all in one breath as he leans forward and awkwardly hugs me, carefully avoiding my wounds. "Mr. Maxwell, you can't be in here! The patient needs his rest!" The man comes over and tries to pry him off me. Through it all I just sit here, watching silently. The boy looks at me again as the doctor drags him away, concern and anger in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me? We could have talked about it! I wanted to help you! God, Heero, why did you have to go and do something like this?" "I..." My voice sounds as if it has not been used in ages, but it hasn't lost its deep tone. The doctors stop struggling with the boy and look at me expectantly. I return their gaze coolly. It's easy for me to pretend that there's nothing wrong, perhaps too easy. "I... Something like what?" Two other people enter the room at that moment. A short, platinum blonde boy and a taller boy with chestnut bangs swept in front of his face. They both look at me and the blonde gives me a huge smile. "Heero, you're all right." It's then that he notices the first boy's distraught face. "Duo? What's wrong?" Duo glances at the blonde before speaking to me. "You ran from me, Heero...you ran out into the street and got hit by a car. You were hit pretty bad too...I...I thought... I thought you were going to die on me..." My gaze softens as I watch him. "Were you the one who held me?" The braided boy nods slightly, tears welling up in his eyes. "Are...are you in much pain?" "A bit." I'm not going to lie. This hurts like hell. Duo wrenches himself free of the doctors and wraps his arms around me again. "Oh God, Heero...I thought you were dead. Seven hours of surgery. Five hours of waiting...I thought you were dead. After all that's happened, I thought I'd lose--I thought you'd die because of a stupid car. A stupid car...I'm so glad you're all right..." His words come out jumbled and interdispersed with sobs. I've never heard someone cry like this before. It's a strange, new feeling. Gently I push the boy away and look up into his face through the bandage that covers my left eye. "I hate to do this to you...but I have to tell you something." He looks at me expectantly and I feel my heart break for some reason. He seems so helpless, so lost...so hurt. I return his gaze, guilt riding up in my eyes. I shouldn't be doing this. It doesn't seem right. "What is it, Heero?" I should just tell him that I'm fine and not to worry. He's already taking my accident so hard. Now that I know what happened a lot of my jumbled memories make sense. I shouldn't tell him. Let sleeping dogs lie, let them slumber on in ignorant bliss until the world decides to startle them awake. I should just wait until the three of them are gone, then tell the doctors only. At least then I could spare him the pain that will be wrought by my words. He's still looking at me. His eyes are so beautiful. I know it's wrong of me to think so, but I could lose myself in their depths. I could fall into them and just float in their purple abyss for the rest of my life, content and fulfilled. His heart-shaped face is lined with worry and I feel even more guilt for making it that way. I shouldn't tell him. I think if I did, it'd crush him. He reaches forward and gingerly touches my face, causing me to unconsciously shrink back. His hand drops like a lead weight and I lean forward again. I have to tell him. It's the right thing to do. "Heero? What's wrong?" Taking a deep breath, I let my eyes wander to the blonde, then to the tall boy next to him, then back to Duo. If only the rain had taken away all the pain. That's all I remember of today. I had wanted to go out into the rain to lose myself in the water. I had wanted to go out there and hopefully rid myself of that pale, flickering image that had rested in the corner of my mind. That apparition is gone now...but my mind seems empty without it. It's like I gave something vital away. Gazing into Duo's deep indigo eyes, I frown slightly and say what must be said. "I'm sorry, but I don't know who any of you are."