Chapter 14 :: Truths in Dreams It's dark. It's dark and cold and I'm alone. Again. I'm alone again. Duo was...Duo wasn't Duo. That wasn't Duo. That was someone else. That someone else put me here too. They put me in this formless gray-shaded room with infinite shadows and no light. It wasn't Duo...it was someone else... A figure moves in the half-shadows and I turn to them. They're saying something...I can't hear them. "Hello?" They speak again, but no sounds come from their shadowed mouth. "I don't understand what you're saying," I murmur. "You should be able to." It's a man - a young man. I should know him, but I don't. His voice is so familiar to me...something I've heard all my life and now I can't place it. Strange. "I can't though..." "Then you're not trying hard enough." I must be dreaming. This couldn't be real. "I am trying...I just don't understand." "Then you're not strong enough. You'll die if you're not strong enough." Die? I escaped Death though... "I...I don't want to die." "Why do you hesitate?" "I'm not sure...I don't want to die though. Why will I die?" Other than the obvious of course. "You won't know your own strengths and weaknesses and you won't be able to rely on others to help you with your weaknesses. That in itself is a weakness. Don't you remember your early life?" I won't be able to rely on others? What does that mean? Why would I need to rely on others? If no one relies on me, then I shouldn't burden them with my problems and try to lean on them. They have their own worries...it wouldn't serve anyone for me to throw mine in the pot. As for my early life? "...I don't remember much of anything..." "That's because you don't want to. If you truly wanted to know, you would. You would know all about it." If I truly wanted to know, huh? I do want to know, but it just won't come. Or is what he says true? "I don't understand what you're saying." "Yet another reason why you are weak." He slowly walks away from me, disgust in his voice. I let him go. I don't want to talk to him anymore...there's something about him that sets my skin on edge. The way he talks makes him sound older than he really is as if he had seen too much in his life. His cryptic words don't help me either. "Are you lost?" I turn and that little girl is standing next to me. Her innocent eyes looking up while her puppy tugs on her leash. I resist the urge to touch the dog and in the process realize I wouldn't be able to move even if I wanted to. This is a dream. Only a dream could be this hellish. "No...I don't think I am." Her eyes darken and disappear under the brim of her hat. "What a shame...I was hoping I'd be able to help you find your way again." Help me find my way? I was never lost in the first place. Was I? "Do you think I'm lost?" "Only you know that answer. Come on, Milly. He doesn't know if he's lost or not...he's not the same anymore." The girl turns and skips away from me, the dog pulling her along. I want to reach out to her and stop her. There's something that little girl symbolizes to my old self. Something it's crying out for...something that would help me remember my old life. "Wait!" A hand descends on my shoulder, weighing it down. I turn abruptly, freeing myself from the spell that holds me down and find myself staring up at yet another unfamiliar person. This man is tall with a long face and dark eyes, not colorwise but in their manner. Everything about him gives off a bad feeling. "There is no room for compassion and human emotions in war." He steps toward me and I step back, suddenly finding myself against a wall. "Get rid of them." He wants me to get rid of human emotions and compassion? It's impossible. People will feel no matter what happens... "But they define humanity..." I can't get rid of them. "Then you will be inhuman." He wants me to dispel of my emotions? But...I... "But I am human..." I don't want to lose my humanity. That is the only thing that keeps me alive. "You will learn otherwise soon enough." I hate you. "What if I don't want to?" Take that, bastard. "You have no choice." "I'm a human being! I have a choice!" "Not anymore." I growl and lunge forward, aiming an instinctive blow at his temple. I hit thin air and fall forward. "Do you want to pilot a Gundam?" I blink and glance up finding myself looking at a clawed hand. Or rather just a three pronged claw at the end of what used to be a hand. Looking further up I see an old man with long white hair watching me. I can't see his eyes. "A...Gundam?" Quatre told me of these. As did Wufei...Gundams were what we used during the war. I never did learn exactly what a Gundam was though. "It'll take a lot of sacrifice, but in the end you'll be doing the world a favor." "Doing the world a favor?" "Yes, would you like to pilot a Gundam and be a savior?" How am I supposed to pilot something that I don't know anything about? Be a savior? How if I don't have my humanity? "I...I don't know..." "You should know." Why? Why am I supposed to know all the answers? ...is it because I gave up being human? "I don't..." "Then you're not strong enough yet." Why must I be strong? I was told earlier that I was to rely on others and that would make me strong. Perhaps I haven't learned to do that yet... "Strong enough for what?" "To face the world." Face the world? Wasn't I supposed to save the damn thing? If I piloted this Gundam, would it allow me to do that? "I don't understand what you're saying..." "You should be able to." I lower my eyes to the ground and shake my head slowly. "I can't though..." "Then you'll never know and you will die like this - alone and forgotten." The voice has changed. It is once again the young man from before, the man who should be familiar but isn't. "You will live like this - alone and forgotten. You will suffer like this - alone and forgotten. Why? Because you have forgotten who you are and thus you are alone." The man steps out of the shadows and the light that doesn't exist plays over his features. "You have forgotten, do not seek help, and do not want to know...and so you are alone...and will always be alone. Heero...I pity you." I watch him, transfixed not in awe but in horror. That young man before me who is so familiar and so alien is... "He's awakening." I open my eyes and focus in on a white ceiling and the concerned face of a nameless doctor. Another hospital, another doctor, another day of pain. Wonderful. Yet again I don't remember what happened. At least this time I know who I am. "What...happened?" "You were in a bad fight and passed out. You're safe to go home though. Your friend is already up and getting ready. Do you want to go home?" His last words are said hesitantly. It's almost as if he's telling me I shouldn't go home. I would agree with him...had it not been for that young man's words. ::"You have forgotten who you are and thus you are alone.":: Duo is the only one who knows who I am and who I was. He seems to be the only one who truly knows. He was reaching out to me earlier and that's what provoked the outburst. Now I remember. I slapped him away as if he were a fly. He understood that man's words...he wanted to help me remember everything. He wanted to help ease the pain. "Do you want to go home, Mr. Yui?" Again with the silent inflection of 'you shouldn't, but I can't stop you if you want to.' He knows that Duo and I got into a fight, but since he's asking if I want to go home that means that I hurt Duo as much as he hurt me. It aches all over, but that'll go away soon. I don't answer and the doctor repeats his question a third time. "Do you want to go home?" Solemnly I look at him, moving my aching body out of the bed. "Yes," I murmur. "I need to."